i'm sitting on my new couch i can barely afford, crying over a bottle of sauv blanc and a half smoked joint. it's been four months since i kicked my boyfriend of 5+ years out of our apartment in jersey city—a city directly across the hudson river from manhattan. let me re-phrase that: my apartment...that we never would've gotten approved to live in if it wasn't for my ideal credit score and clean criminal background. when he left, i immediately threw our furniture out.
why? two reasons.
one: i f*%king hated almost everything. the couch was horrendous, a craigslist buy, two different color browns & ripped, courtesy of my ex's poorly manicured dog. our "tv stand" was a bad ikea dresser, not matching anything, filled with all his work clothes. (that i almost always washed, dried and folded.) a drool-stained accent chair sat in front of our authentic brick wall and was actually deemed the dog's chair. i dreaded the day a guest sat on it—oh wait, that never would've happened since i never hosted people at our apartment due to the embarrassment of the look, smell and uneasy tension that filled the 625sqft. space.
two: i am a runner. when something goes south, i need to get myself right tf out of the situation. after i kicked him out, i knew i needed to replace the furniture because it would've stalled my long distance sprint. within weeks, my girl pad was complete. a plush couch, pops of color and a feminine airiness making the space feel so light & comforting. i never knew life in this 1-bedroom apartment without a 50lb weight of anxiety on my chest, but just like that, i can finally breathe—most of the time.
as confident as i am in my decision to break up with my ex, i am lonely. call me a serial dater. i jump from relationship to relationship. i thrive off male attention, i crave it. a little too much actually, and maybe even more since losing my father. (#daddyissues.) it could be why i had something going on with another guy before officially kicking my boyfriend out. don't get your hopes up: the situationship ended just as fast as it started. some might call it karma, i call it dating in the city.
neverland, as i like to call it. the city prevents men from growing up, they'd rather stay immature, non-committal boys instead of own up to their wants and needs, find a woman and "settle down." as someone who frequents relationships, i find that terrifying. it's very stressful trying to figure out what's real and what's a manipulation move to get you in bed with them. but, thanks to a ton of "i drank too much," "i smoked too much," "i overthought too much," moments i came to terms with what life's trying to tell me: learn how to be alone.
the life i've always wanted is right in front of me, and i've been blinded from it by my ex, making me unable to appreciate it. i numbed myself from the gratitude by overindulging in anything i could drink, smoke, and sometimes snort. if i'm strong enough break up with and kick out the man i thought i'd marry, then proceed to block his number and all his social media accounts, how dare i deprive myself of my own happiness too?
that's what's motivating me.
that's why i'm writing again.
i'm doing whatever i can to stay focused, and writing helps me do that. i have allll the time in the world to myself now that i'm not running around for someone else, abiding by their schedule, exerting enough negative energy for two—four, if you count pets. things i dreamt about in high school then worked throughout college and post-graduation to obtain are here right in front of me: a career that encourages me to be passionate, the ability to eat and drink at restaurants throughout different cities, a spin and yoga-focused workout regimen, a healthy diet of fresh produce and cbd-infused drinks. (yeah, i'm that bitch.)
it's time to realize the positivity in life.
it's time to stop letting men (& myself) get in my way.
as my time single gets longer, i'm finding out how to do just that, and get ready because i'm sharing it all with you. i'm talking the good, the bad & the ugly: mental breakdowns and how i bounce back, excessive self-care rituals, pep talks I frequently give myself and my favorite, real-life dating stories about the men i meet throughout my city that'll make you say "what the actual f*%k!?", like the guy i'd been seeing who told all his friends the one thing i won't do in the bedroom, and because i'm being completely transparent, i'll let you know what that is...
stick around to see how i accept what i'm dealing with, and what i'm doing to level up
so i can get back to being the badass woman i'm meant to be,
and hopefully help you all live your best lives too.
✌️
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